i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I need a burrito and a hug.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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