i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
