Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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