just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
