because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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