Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
