She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
