Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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