I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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