Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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