Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
