I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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