I am puke
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
