i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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