Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
