so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
