I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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