FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
They took my balls.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
