So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
