Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
