I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
