i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
