The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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