Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We need to get me chipped asap
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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