dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize