I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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