2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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