pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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