I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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