how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Pants are for mortals
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
