so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
