The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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