all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
