i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
