hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
