When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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