Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
