i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
