I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
