Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
