Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
