Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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