This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
