I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
