I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I am available for nakedness
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
