I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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