Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
