yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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