I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
