I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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