I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
