last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
