How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
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