mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My balls are so social today.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
