you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
