babies were throwing up all over the place
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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